Reefer Gags

[smidoid]

Has anyone done a list of these? Here are a few examples which may or may not be funny! I rather like these lists, even though they tend to be "in" jokes.

You know your tank's running to hot (or the light's too bright) when:

• The shrimps are sitting in deckchairs wearing cool shades and iPod minis.
• The shrimps are smelling mighty tastey!

You know your tank's running to cold when:

• The shrimps start wearing little wooly jumpers.
• The aiptasia is shivering.

You've been in this game too long when:

• You take a step backward when someone asks if you, "fancy a reefer?"
• You get even more worried when someone else chimes in: "Want to smoke a reefer?"
• You treat an embarassing itch with a freshwater bath.
• You can't flush the toilet because the cistern is full of curing Argocrete.
• You congratulate your mate for catching crabs (again).
• You get a manicure from cleaner shrimps.
• You try and convince your partner to do the same.
• You've forgotten that cycling is something you used to do on two wheels.
• A bag of salt costs nearly a week's grocery shopping.
• You lose a coral and someone saying, "Why worry? It's only a fish!" Earns them a quick slap.
• You can't remember when you last had disposable income.
• You order water in a bar, then proceed to test it for nitrate.
• You put cleaner water in your tank than you do in your body.
• "Finding Nemo" starts to seem more like a horror movie every day.
• There's a "Wanted: dead or alive" poster hung in your lounge - and it's for a crab!
• You wonder what Bach meant by "Toccata and Fuge*".
• You think that 20 degrees is kinda chilly.
• When your kids get head lice, the cleaner shrimps look like a promising cure.
• You've gotten quite used to the taste of dirty seawater.
• You know that a nudibranch isn't strip club, but people still think you're a perv for talking about them.
• When you greet new people at home, you introduce them to your reef before your partner.
• You sign holiday cards from your reef inhabitants.
• You haven't had a bath in six months because the live rock isn't quite cured yet.
• You measure the size of your world in gallons.
• You tell your kids that Heavy Metal is really bad for the fish when other people are more concerned with their hearing.
• Most of your pets lack spines.
• So do most of your friends.

* OK, it's actually spelt "fugue" but then the joke doesn't work.;;

You might be a newbie at reefing:

• When you still think that Live Rock is played in crowded arenas.
• When you still have friends that can't tell their nitrate from their elbow.
• Your partner still speaks to you.
• Any mention of "Nudibranch" makes you titter like a girly.
• Your bath doesn't contain a wide variety of strange smelling rock.
• You still have money.
• You still have a life.

[Ninong]

And you misspelled toccata, too.

[smidoid]

Bugger! So I did!

(Great piece of organ music, nevertheless)

[zhenya]

Oh, and I think you meant to say manicure and not maincure?
Pretty funny stuff, Marc, but sadly, some of it is true and real...

[Ninong]

Oh, and I think you meant to say manicure and not maincure?

Let's not be picky!

I only pointed out toccata because he was talking about Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor and made a point of noting that he had deliberately misspelled fugue as fuge. I could have pointed out that he also misspelled spelled in the same sentence. Whether you pronounce it speld or spelt, it's still spelled s-p-e-l-l-e-d. Spelt is a hardy wheat.




P.S. -- All in good fun. I love to pick on the English since they're always making fun of our abuse of their language.

[schrocat]

P.S. -- All in good fun. I love to pick on the English since they're always making fun of our abuse of their language.

I haunt the Kings Head Pub in St A.
Its authenticity is commanded by a most authentic "trans-ponder" named Ann. (may she live forever)
She verbally flails me for ruining English about once a week.
She assures me I don't speak English...I speak American...and poorly.

I'm afraid to defend myself.
If she cut me off of those damn Scotch Eggs I'd die.

P.S. If you ever visit the Kings Head Pub, do not ask if they have Budweiser.
I've witnessed that before. Not pretty.

[smidoid]

Let's not be picky!
Whether you pronounce it speld or spelt, it's still spelled s-p-e-l-l-e-d. Spelt is a hardy wheat.

P.S. -- All in good fun. I love to pick on the English since they're always making fun of our abuse of their language.

Spelt is indeed a wheat - but it's also the alternative spelling of spelled and has other applications for example in a witch's spell. Pedants unite, Ninong! Now is that a woman's prerogative or perogative or pejorative? Damn women - can't live with them; can't kill 'em!

Gene nailed me on manicure - it was nearly 4.30 am when I wrote that...that's my excuse and I is stickin' to it!

I don't mind the corrections, it's about the gags.

And guys, when these lists come true - that only makes them that much funnier!

Please, add your own!

[Ninong]

Spelt is indeed a wheat - but it's also the alternative spelling of spelled...

Oops! I should have looked it up in a real dictionary instead of that stupid Encarta online.

Encarta gives both pronounciations (speld and spelt) for spelled -- no mention of spelt as an alternative spelling for the past tense and past participle. I found it in my ACD (American College Dictionary). I never use Webster's.

Over here, there are very few words left that we spell the past tense with a "t" instead of "ed." One word that you guys use often that we never use is "whilst."

[smidoid]

Dictionary.com is pretty good for a quick fix, too, mate. I wouldn't sweat it - what more could anyone expect from Microsoft: where the motto is: "As long is it looks cool, who cares if it works?"

Incidentally, I caught the back-end of a BBC documentary on language today where the presenter was pointing out that some languages - I didn't catch which - actually lack words for past or future tense! The guest made an observation that mathmatics isn't the universal language it's cracked up to be. For example, how does a dog (or a fish for that matter) count?

[Ninong]

I think some of the more intelligent mammals -- and not just primates -- do have a rudimentary appreciation for mathematics. At least they can recognize quantitative differences.

As far as word recognition goes, I am convinced that dogs possess a highly developed ability to recognize a large number of words. If I ask my dogs if they want to "go out," they will rush to the door. If I tell them to go get "the ball," they will get the ball and not something else. If I tell them to go get "the frisbee," they will get the frisbee. They know the difference between those two toys and they recognize what each word means.

And just yesterday I read something about dolphins having distinctive names for each other.

[smidoid]

Sounds definitely, words... well that's debatable. The discussion was about maths being universal between aliens (we're aliens to aliens) was interesting. What if they (the aliens) communicate via touch, scent or some other non-visual means.

Nothing that Dolphins do surprises me in the least. If Iran gets the bomb I fully expect them to leave earth by their own means [that's Douglas Adams joke].

[zhenya]

Let's not be picky!

How could I be picky when English language is not even my first language? :eek3:
I just simply recognized that word becouse I get to hear it alot at home and see it on some bills...

[smidoid]

Just get her trained to use the shrimps mate! Why have a dog and bark yourself! Hell, I'm thinking of training the crab to eat the kid's (leftovers).

Incidentally Gene, what IS your first language? You write English (US or UK doesn't matter which) very well.

[zhenya]

Incidentally Gene, what IS your first language?

Marc,

It's Russian. I came to US in 1979 and sort of picked up the "talking" skills on my own and from my kids. Oh, and lets not forget the mighty television powers of teaching the language. I mean cartoons, of course.
On a side note, I never interfere with my wife's spendings or whatnot, I value my life alot more... ;)

[smidoid]

I tried (and failed) to learn German from toons. I must be a bit "fick". I have to say though, you speak like a native on here.

I know what you mean about the wife's "personal account". What's hers is is hers, and what's mine is hers too. Umm... Gota go. She's callin'.

BTW - I added a few more one-liners for your amusement (!)

[mungus728]

Marc,

It's Russian. I came to US in 1979 and sort of picked up the "talking" skills on my own and from my kids. Oh, and lets not forget the mighty television powers of teaching the language. I mean cartoons, of course.
On a side note, I never interfere with my wife's spendings or whatnot, I value my life alot more... ;)

I have a Russian brother. (sort of) I got to meet his parents for the first time about 2 weeks ago. They let them come over for his wedding. I tried to learn a few words but I think I butchered them. I could not believe how fast his father was picking up English.

Brian

[smidoid]

I have a Russian brother. (sort of) I got to meet his parents for the first time about 2 weeks ago. They let them come over for his wedding. I tried to learn a few words but I think I butchered them. I could not believe how fast his father was picking up English.

Brian

Amazing - they pick up English and we... well the only word I know in Russian is dasvadnya (and as you can see, I can't even spell it!). The last Russian girl I met, I tried to be charming and use it. I didn't know it meant "good bye".

I fared worse in Germany when I went round for an entire morning at the hotel greeting every woman in sight with (what translates to) "Good morning, virgin."

I'll stick to English now.

D'oh!

[zhenya]

Speaking of english language...you all experts can tell me if sign "yellow taxi" on a neon-green cab should be considered oxymoron or not? I get confused sometimes...

PS. Marc, it would be dosvidanya. ;) And, I think you did rather well in Germany... I fail to see how calling someone a virgin could be considered insulting...

[smidoid]

Thanks for that spelling Gene. The word I was trying to use in Germany roughly translates as "young lady" - we might use "ma'am" or "miss" depending on the company. What I was saying was things like, "I would like to order a cup of tea, virgin." Which must have sounded odd!

Oxymoron is a tricky word (it was invented by Wil Shakespeare, IIRC).

It means using two words together (conjoined) as a phrase where the two words are essentially opposites, so a yellow taxi is just a yellow taxi.

"Deafening silence" (also a cliche) is an oxymoron.

others (just of the top of my head... <c'mon brain, work>)

"Intelligent blonde" (that may be a UK-based oxymoron; if someone here is "blonde" it means they a bit slow-witted. Has to do with hair colour; and that itself has shown to be partially true. But I digress.)

"Honest politician" (that one should be obivious, but it's also ironic.)

"Cool fire" (as in, "That's a really cool fire!")

These aren't great examples, Ninong can probably top them as he's clearly a fellow pedant.

English grammar is full of some super howlers, which most of us make on a daily basis and some great words that make pedant's cringe. One of my favourites is hyperbole - pronounced high-purr-bow-lee (not hyper-bowl).

That's an expression like "You want me to walk! That's millions of miles away!" or "He's got a dog that's bigger than a house!"

Kids are fond of hyperbole.

[Ninong]

Creation science.

Intelligent design.

Moral majority.

Military intelligence.

Compassionate conservative.

Anecdotal evidence.

Government organization.

Political science.

Unbiased opinion.

Justice Scalia.

"O anything of nothing first create!
O heavy lightness, serious vanity!
Misshapen chaos of well-seeming forms!
Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health!"
--William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet, Act 1